Many Unhappy Returns
by SteelSeeker
Summary: Didn't I tell you that I was the only thing standing between us and them? Shortie piece based off of a joke I used to troll my friends with. Bad title is bad.
1. Chapter 1

The security feed had showed a human crawling into the shed and collapsing into the elevator, curling into a shaking ball as the platform began its descent.

The thing that arrived in the Central AI Chamber, however, was most _definitely_ not human.

Aside from the lurid red of the bite marks in its shoulder and the scratches lining its arms, legs and back, the creature's skin was a pale, ashy gray, and its dark hair was matted, and stained with blood and sweat. A small line of slimy drool dripped steadily from between its cracked lips, pooling on the floor of the elevator, and its blank, colorless eyes stared listlessly at the wall opposite.

Zooming her optic back out to a reasonable distance and descending slightly from the ceiling, GLaDOS sighed.

"Well? Are you coming out, or not?"

The effect was almost instantaneous.

The thing's head snapped up at the sound of her voice. Fixing its monotone eyes on her, it lurched to its feet, letting out a ringing scream and nearly throwing itself out of the elevator and onto the startled AI.

The Infected's teeth and claws rattled uselessly against the metal bars of her neck, and she scoffed lightly, taking a moment to recover her poise before speaking.

"Yes, go ahead. Bite me. It's not going to do you any good."

Extending a claw, she scooped the rabid creature into a firm grip, studying it contemptuously as it writhed and spat in her grasp, like a child would a trapped insect.

"I told you not to come back here. And yet here you are, trying to murder me yet again. This is the third time, might I add. And the most crude and ineffective attempt yet by far."

She let out a long suffering sigh, tilting her head and regarding the Infected, which merely shrieked, fuming and squirming, struggling to reach her again.

"You're not understanding any of this, are you? Didn't I tell you that you didn't want to escape? That I was the only thing standing between us and them? But you didn't listen to a word I said. As usual. Oh, well. I guess some lessons just have to be learned the hard way."

The panels of the floor shifted as she called up a Relaxation Vault, extending the claw to drop the Infected in through the top. Immediately, the zombie lunged, coming up hard against the glass and letting out a snarl, pausing to vomit up a glob of greenish bile before resuming the attack. The AI drew back slightly in disgust, narrowing her optic.

"Wonderful. Well, I guess somebody's going to have to fix you. You know, since you can't understand my insults when you're like this. And where's the fun in insulting you if it just flies right over your disgusting, fuming head?"

The creature's answer was to claw at the glass, howling with fury and straining toward the source of the voice. GLaDOS chuckled darkly.

"You never were good with words, were you? Well, you might as well make yourself comfortable. I think we're going to be here awhile."


	2. Chapter 2

When she finally turned from the monitor, she was surprised to find the Infected curled up on the floor of the Relaxation Vault, fast asleep.

Lowering her head as close to the ground as she could manage, she peered in through the scratch-marked glass, examining the slumbering creature curiously.

Though she'd studied the creatures over the perimeter security feeds many a time, she was almost certain that she'd never seen one sleep before. Even at night, even after days of chasing fruitlessly after insects, or furiously battling waving stalks of wheat, none of them had ever shown even the slightest hint of exhaustion, until they simply dropped.

The fact that this one had drifted off was, to her, a hopeful sign. A sign that, perhaps, the treatment was finally starting to make a difference.

That she had a chance to fix things.

Retreating slightly, she extended a claw from the ceiling, dropping it into the Vault and missing the Infected by a foot or so. The creature startled awake with a yelp, hissing faintly at the intruder before tilting her head and slinking cautiously over to sniff at it, and give it an experimental bite.

Curiosity. Another good sign.

Retracting the claw and catching the protesting Infected up, she deposited her charge on the floor of the chamber, quietly observing as the creature examined her new surroundings, shuffling about the room and patting gently at the walls. She stumbled briefly on the stairs leading to the dais, letting out a cry of alarm and snapping her jaws at the offending steps, but quickly recovered. It was only when she neared the passageway leading to the rest of the facility that the claw shot out, gently turning her around and nudging her back toward the center of the room.

She growled, baring her teeth halfheartedly, before shambling forward and carefully running her hands over the plastic shell of the AI's head, quietly muttering and huffing to herself. GLaDOS held as still as possible, following the zombie cautiously with her optic until the creature vanished around the side of her head. A few moments later, the chink of teeth on metal sounded, and she let out a groan of frustration as the creature closed its jaws around the bars of her neck again.

"No. Get your filthy teeth off of there."

The Infected snarled around her mouthful of metal and redoubled her bite, encouraged by the sound of the supercomputer's voice. Letting out a sigh, the latter plucked the weakly squalling creature up and deposited her back in the Relaxation Vault, shaking her slime-covered neck out and glaring in disgust.

"And you were doing so well, too. Oh, well. I guess I'd better feed you, right? I expect you'll be hungry, too, now that you're sane enough to want sleep."

The creature cocked her head, pressing a cheek against the glass and fixing one cloudy eye on her, and despite the sardonic tone of her chuckle, a warm feeling bloomed somewhere in the depths of her processors.

"I'll have you back yet, [Subject Name Here.] I promise you that."


	3. Chapter 3

"Orange. Put that down this instant."

At the sound of the muffled voice, her eyes flew completely open, and she jerked upright, banging her head against something hard overhead, and flopping back down into the stasis bed with a little groan.

"I'm being serious. Put that thing down. Now. You're not supposed to-"

Hearing the thump, GLaDOS paused, gliding smoothly around to fix her gaze on the vault. The woman sucked in a breath, nervously returning the stare. For a long time, neither said anything. At last, the AI broke the silence, tilting her head to the side as she spoke.

"Oh, good. You finally decided to wake up. That took longer than I expected."

Angling herself closer, she peered cautiously through the marred glass, narrowing her optic slightly.

"So, are you going to bite me again? Because as useless as your insistence on chewing away at my neck is, cleaning your virus-infested saliva off of my chassis is not what I consider a constructive use of my time."

Managing to conjure up a little smile, Chell shook her head, and the supercomputer huffed, nodding approvingly. A note of smug satisfaction crept into her voice as she spoke again, and the doors of the bed slid open with a smooth _whoosh._

"Good. You understand me. That's an improvement. You're welcome, by the way."

Carefully angling herself up onto her elbows, the woman took a moment to study her surroundings before finally pushing herself up into a full sitting position, coughing and licking her lips.

Whatever had been in the Relaxation Vault prior to her awakening there, it hadn't been very gentle with it. Deep gouge marks lined the tiles of the floor and streaked the glass on either side of the stasis pod, and irregular green splotches dotted the area at random intervals. Brows knitting in concern, she wriggled one leg free of the confines of the pod, dropping it over the side and setting it carefully on the floor.

"Don't. Your higher brain functions… or rather, what passes for them, in your case… may have been restored, but you haven't fully recovered, yet. If you don't lie still, you're going to-"

Struggling to swing her other foot over the edge of the bed, she bared her teeth, glaring briefly at the AI, before a look of utter bewilderment crossed her face, and she lowered her lips back into place. Drawing herself up toward the ceiling, GLaDOS narrowed her optic even further.

"…Did you just…?"

Biting her lip and giving her head a little shake, the woman made another attempt to scramble out of the bed, only to flop ungracefully back down into it, panting with exertion and fighting back the urge to burst into a coughing fit. The AI let out a protracted sigh, shaking her head.

"And you're back to not listening to me. You must be feeling normal, then. Stay where you are. I think I need to gather more data."

The panels of the ceiling parted, and a slender robotic arm tipped with a hypodermic syringe dropped into the vault, taking a moment to right itself before moving deliberately toward the pod. Chell gave the needle a nervous look, propping herself up again and letting out a warning growl as it drew closer, eyes widening in surprise even as she bared her teeth again. Above her, GLaDOS scoffed quietly.

"Oh, stop. It's not that bad."

Giving the contraption one last dubious glance, she squeezed her eyes shut, flinching slightly as the needle slipped into her arm. From somewhere to the right came a faint chime, and the quiet rumble and creak of cables as the chassis turned toward the source of the noise.

"Hmm… hold still again."

The syringe withdrew, and she opened her eyes in time to catch a glimpse of it ascending back into the ceiling, to be replaced by what appeared to be a wire crown of some sort, festooned with tiny LEDs and larger incandescent bulbs. This time, she managed to comply straightaway, keeping her spine stiff and eyeing the contraption with suspicion as it settled itself around her ears.

"All right. There we go."

The bulbs on the edges of the scanner flashed blindingly, and it emitted a piercing shriek, before rapidly falling dark and silent again. Blinking spots away from her eyes and shaking her head, setting the contraption rattling, she glanced over at the glowing display to which GLaDOS had turned her attention. The AI raised her head slightly, optic flicking left and right as data points flashed into being on the monitor.

"Well. This is interesting."

When she didn't expound on the comment, Chell leaned over, rapping on the side of the pod and tilting her head inquisitively in the direction of the screen. GLaDOS turned to fix her with a skeptical look.

"What? Did you expect me to elaborate? Honestly, I think it'd sail right over your little head."

The woman frowned, making a beckoning gesture and nodding, and the AI sighed.

"All right, fine. In layman's terms, the virus itself isn't multiplying any further. In fact, the specialized phages I introduced to your system will be mopping up the last of them within the next few days. The problem is the alterations to your brain chemistry. There are a few changes that haven't responded to my treatments at all. Essentially, while you're not really that… creature anymore, you're not completely human, either."

Dropping nearly to the floor, she pressed her head up against the glass wall of the Vault, and Chell started in surprise, biting back a threatening hiss as the optic's yellow glow washed impassively over her and banging her much-abused head against the back of the scanner as she scrambled instinctively away.

"Poor you, caught between two equally detestable modes of existence. I suppose I should have expected this. After all, you would get stuck, wouldn't you, with that considerable bulk of yours?"

Drawing back, GLaDOS peered down at the woman, lazily swaying her head from side to side as though studying her carefully.

"Well, now that that's taken care of, there's the matter of what we're going to do with you._ I _don't want you here at all. But after what happened to you out there, I don't think you're going to want to leave again, are you?"

Eyes widening in horror, Chell shook her head as frantically as the scanning headgear would allow. The AI chuckled dryly, withdrawing the apparatus as she spoke.

"I didn't think so. So, then. What are you going to do?"

The woman considered this for a moment before her face brightened, and she held out her hands as though cradling something precious between them, miming the squeeze of a trigger.

"Testing?"

She nodded, and GLaDOS let out what she supposed was the computerized version of a derisive snort.

"What makes you think that I would even _want_ to test you again? I've been looking over your file, and as it turns out, you're an outlier. You're going to skew my data so far to the right…"

She trailed off as Chell gave her a crestfallen look, pouring every possible ounce of her fear and disappointment into the expression. Twitching uncomfortably, the supercomputer turned her head away, pointedly studying the far wall.

"Stop it. Don't look at me like that."

The woman merely intensified the look, exaggerating it even further when the AI turned back around, quickly tearing her gaze away and returning it to the wall. Seconds ticked past. Finally, GLaDOS sighed, grumbling out an exasperated surrender as she turned herself around again.

"OK, fine. Yes. You can stay here. I suppose I could make use of you as a research assistant. And a test here and there probably wouldn't destroy my bell curves _too_ badly."

Narrowing her optic and glaring fiercely in an attempt to salvage the situation, she pulled herself back up to the ceiling, doing her best to tower as far above her former test subject as possible.

"But you'll have to _earn_ your keep. Do you understand?"

With a placid little smile, Chell nodded, and the supercomputer huffed.

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have lots of science to get back to. Stay there and rest until all of your readings return to normal, and then we'll get you-"

A faint clunking noise sounded from the other side of the room, and the AI whirled back around to face the monitor.

"Blue. Don't touch that. You'll fry your circuits faster than-"

The muffled sound of crackling electricity, followed by a dizzy robotic giggle, poured from the speakers, and GLaDOS groaned, slumping slightly and shaking her head.

"Ugh, wonderful. I guess somebody's going to have to fix _that_, now, too. And I'll bet I know who that's going to be."

Grinning quietly to herself, Chell settled back into the pod, letting out a contented sigh, and allowing her eyes to drift shut.

Things weren't completely back to normal, no. They probably never would be.

Still, it was good to finally be home.


End file.
